Top Five Tips To Living Like A Great Goblin King by Grogger Split-Tooth

Good! Yoo iz ‘ere to get all dem tips from da goblin king. And dat’s me!

Hang on, what the snoz? The grogging scrollchecker was set to ‘git’. That ain’t right! A bonus tip for you stupid humans. Don’t talk like a snozzer. Goblins aren’t idiots… well, not all of us. So make sure you speak proper.

Anyway, those berks at Mantic have realised they need someone dead cunning, clever and with a majestic nose to give you useless humans some tips about living your best life as a goblin king. Of course, there’s only one true goblin king and that’s me: Grogger Split-tooth. But if you want to stop being a peasant and live like a king, then here’s my advice.

In fact, I’m such a great role model, that one of you grogging humans has written a book all about me. Ascent of the Goblin King is by Rob Burman and it’s all about how I started my journey to becoming the greatest greenskin ever! There are some pesky humans and snozzing salamanders in there too – but you don’t care about them. It’s all about me!

TIP ONE – KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE ENOUGH TO STAB THEM

Along the way to becoming the great goblin king that I am now, I had to make some allies. Problem is, you can’t trust a goblin further than an orcling could throw a pile of mawpup muck. Yeah, goblins like Magwa are handy to have around but they’ve always got their eye on the throne too… even when you’re sitting on it. So make sure you act all nice and they’ll let their defences down. And when their defences are down, that’s a great time to give them a good stabbing! Bonus tip – get a good stabbing dagger.

TIP TWO – NEVER TRUST MAGIC

I don’t understand magic, you don’t understand magic… and I don’t reckon them grogging wizzes understand it really. They’re always exploding themselves or exploding all the other goblins around them. But magic can be useful with all the glowy, whizzy spells and stuff. That’s why I got a wiz for myself. Kackle Flashzap is an odd one but he gave me that vision that helped me become king, so I guess he’s alright. Just remember that if you can get the wiz close enough so they explode near the enemy, then that’s all that matters. If they look like they’re going to explode near you – just give ‘em a good stabbing. A lot of these tips involve stabbing.

TIP THREE – RUN AWAY!

You hear about all these ‘brave’ elves and dwarfs and stuff fighting when all hope is lost. Snozzing bards sing songs about them, until I stab them that is. They’ve got it all wrong, when things look bad and everyone is dying around you, just run off. Don’t even look back. Just keep running until your legs ache. If another goblin gets in your way; stab them too. It’s like when I ran from those grogging salamanders. They had me backed into a corner and I didn’t stand and fight. I legged it, like a true hero.

TIP FOUR – LEAD FROM THE BACK

When you’re in a fight, don’t get near the front. There are lots of arrows or zappy spells or even great big catapults that can pick you off. No, no, no! The front is for all them snozzers you don’t care about. Let them get their head knocked off by a cannonball! A true leader stands at the back and shouts dead loud. Here are some inspirational commands you can shout to help you sound like a proper leader:

“Stop getting killed!”

“Run dead fast while screaming!”

“Run dead fast while screaming TOWARD the enemy this time!”

“Don’t waggle your swords around and kill each other!”

“Stop that giant treading on goblins!”

“Stop that giant eating goblins!”

“Stop that giant!”

If you shout these really loud, I guarantee you will get the respect you deserve. And if no one listens, give them a quick stabbing.

TIP FIVE – BUY MY BOOK

I’m not giving you any more tips for free. You must think I was a goblin that was spawned yesterday. If you want to learn to be a true goblin king, then you need to read all about my amazing adventures in Ascent of the Goblin King. And if you don’t buy it… guess what? That’s right, you’ll get a good stabbing!

Stab this link to download the Ebook

Thanks Grogger for all of your top tips!